the day that autism broke me

broke me down to my knees

broke me to the point I was weeping on friend’s shoulder right in the middle of the hallway of my children’s school

broke me

for just a moment

Let me tell you the truth

I’m worn.

Autism sucks

Being a constant advocate takes its toll

What if there’s something I missed?  What if that one little thing I didn’t do could have been the one thing that meant this wouldn’t have happened?

The thing about autism is that it seems I can’t fix it

I’ve spent so many years thinking I could figure out the code.  Thinking that somewhere out there was the answer and I would find it.  Try this or that or that…maybe this…or that…

there’s no single answer

what works one day, doesn’t another

Ultimately it comes down to me to help this boy navigate his way through our world…

 

Here we are, all these years later

Everything I’ve tried and here we are

I have learned that if you cry too much in a 24 hour period, your eyelids will swell to the point it will hurt to blink.

So here I am at a low point trying to find the bit of hope that will give me the strength to stand up and carry on like everything is just fine.

As I was told the other day, my hands are full.

damn straight

But, I will pick up and move on.  You see, that’s what we all do.  We carry on.  We have to.

There’s some talk out there about reality and blogs and I say this…

write what you want, it’s your show.

Know that no person is perfect.  No person’s life is solely sunshine and daisies, but now and then we all get sunny day to pick a bouquet.

If you go around comparing your life to what you see on blogs you might just drive yourself mad.

Wouldn’t it be more fun to bake yourself a cake?

As for me, I think some people misinterpret what I do and why I do it.  Yes, I love food baked from scratch instead of some cake baked who knows where…Yes, I like to nap under handmade quilts instead of some store bought poly-blend blanket…Yes, I like to sit at home and knit on a Friday night.

Do you know why?

Because, nine times out of ten, things like flour, eggs, butter, fabric, thread, and yarn all do what I ask them to do.

If they don’t, I can fix it.

Autism on the other hand, I cannot.